End of Year Summary

Starting in 2017, I would post a summary of my year on tumblr mostly to see how I was doing mental health-wise. I don't really use tumblr anymore so I've migrated over my journal entries to this site.

2025

I guess I’ll continue my trend of summarizing my year on tumblr. I feel pretty strongly about keeping them all in one place and I don’t really want to move my old ones to bluesky.

This year was pretty good. I got 3 tattoos, 2 of them were on a whim and one I’ve thought about for a while. I got to meet 2 friends for the first time in person, which was awesome! They’re both amazing people. I really like my main friend group, everyone is really supportive and also really talented.

I made the mistake of telling my psychiatrist whom I’d been seeing for several years that my primary care doctor was at a different health clinic, so he dropped me as a patient. I started seeing a nurse psychiatrist and was not comfortable with her. I complained about weight gain and food cravings on one of my meds and she said “It’s so easy to cut sugar out of your diet, I have several patients who did it and I did it, so it’s very easy”. She told me that the Metformin I was on, which makes my appetite reasonable, could be prescribed by my primary care doctor instead of her. I also brought up attention issues and short term memory problems and she immediately went “You have ADHD, here’s some Strattera”. The Strattera DID help my attention issues and I was nonstop drawing for hours a day for like two months. It did stop and I wound up seeing a different psychiatrist, who said I should probably discontinue it (and has not brought up ADHD at all). So that was weird.

I was having sleep problems so I was put on Trazodone, and when my sleep problems didn’t go away, I kept getting put on higher and higher doses. It got to the point where I was sleeping 10 hours a day and I was exhausted unless I got a good 14-15 hours. I spent most of my weekends just sleeping. I had my doses of Lithium and Olanzapine lowered to see if either of them were causing my sleep problems, but it didn’t go away until I lowered my Trazodone dose significantly. The lower Lithium caused me to get irritable like 3 days later so I went back up on it, and I’ve been tolerating the lower Olanzapine so we haven’t touched it.

Art-wise I’ve drawn more this year than I have in like the past 3 combined. I started a webcomic during my Strattera phase and got pretty far into it, but then I burnt out and haven’t felt like continuing it. I might try to start it back up again but I’m okay letting it sit for a while. I made a bunch of plushies as Christmas presents for friends and I really hope to make more in 2026 and get better at making them. I’ve actually been debating opening commissions for them. My issues though are that it costs money to make and ship them. It was $8-9 to ship the plushies I made and sometimes I’d need a little bit of a certain color or type of fabric, and the only option was a full yard which cost like $15 or more. So it would be expensive to make them but I’ve been having so much fun, I really want to do some art trades at the very least.

I’m still living with my parents. I’m hoping in a year or two to buy a house and move out. When I do, I want to throw a big party and invite all my friends :3

I also saw a flash tattoo design that I LOVE and will try to get in like March or April. I also have ideas for 2 other tattoos, one of which I want to get next year and the other I’m fine waiting a couple of years.

I went to Furpoc this year, which is in Connecticut. I got into a car accident on my way there which unfortunately set the mood for the con. I didn’t have a great time, the only good part was seeing my friends, and they didn’t have a good time either. I had been thinking about going to more furry cons but after this experience, I’d rather hang out with my friends. I think going solo would suck for me even if I suited. I’m def not going back to Furpoc and we’ll see about going to ANE again after the one coming up soon.

Oh I made a full body suit for my partial fursuit. It came out okay, it doesn’t fit great and I don’t really have anyone close by I can ask to help me make a DTD. :/

Work has been okay. It stressed me out a bit, and I’ve been wondering what kind of job I want in the future. I still don’t know. My team at work got switched up and I’m doing something different but similar and I actually enjoy it. I guess I’ll stick around for a bit… I heard it’s been hard finding a new job so I’m not looking forward to that.

I tried dipping my toes into online dating again, and I keep talking to guys and maybe going on a few movie/gaming dates, but nothing farther than that. I would really like to have a boyfriend again but it’s hard when I’m not desperate and have standards.

Cinnamon turned 12, he’ll be a teenager next year! He’s my little cuddlebug. Last year his kidney levels weren’t great, so I changed his food to senior food and his levels were normal this year, so I’m thankful for his health.

Both of my sisters really want to go to South Korea soon, and I’ve been trying to teach myself Korean. I really hope to keep learning and know enough to get by if I ever go to South Korea.

So some things I hope to accomplish next year: keep sewing and make better plushies, get at least 1 more tattoo, hang out with friends more often, and learn Hangul.

2024

I guess continuing my yearly tradition…

This year was … okay? I went to ANE, I visited my sister and her wife in San Diego, and I visited Minneapolis. My anxiety started up again and I’ve been having trouble sleeping throughout the night. I typically wake up 1-2 times in the middle of the night. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve slept through the entire night this year.

I started seeing a therapist again, and this time my insurance actually covers her. Things have been going okay, my anxiety is mostly around work. I’ve been trying to find a new job to no avail. Going to keep at it and hopefully get a less stressful job in 2025.

Cinnamon has some health issues but hopefully switching his diet to senior cat food will help. He’s 11 now and still as spunky as ever.

Last year I went to a few open houses to find a house to buy, but it made me really anxious so I stopped. I might try again if I can find some houses that are affordable.

I didn’t draw as much as I wanted to but that’s okay.

I commissioned someone for a partial fursuit that I’m excited for. Hoping it gets here before ANE so I can wear it. I’d also love to go to a bigger furry con one day.

I guess that’s it…

2023

Keeping with tradition and doing an end of year summary.

This year had some ups and downs.

I went to ANE and had a really fun time.

I did a partial hospitalization because I wasn’t feeling great. It was for about 3 weeks. The clinician at the hospital told me they usually keep patients for a month or longer but I was worried about how much it would cost so I left as soon as I started feeling a little better.

Overall I’ve felt stressed and anxious, especially about work. Which sucks because I have a pretty low-stress job. I’ve been thinking a lot about my career and what I want to do and I’m not sure I want to continue what I’m doing, but it would hard to find work that pays the same but is less stressful to me. I’ve considered going back to school but I’m not sure if I can handle that again. If I ever lose my job I’ll probably go back to school.

I got a revision to my top surgery to correct some scarring but so far it’s back the same way it was before the surgery. I knew it was a risk so I’m not super disappointed, but it still sucks.

I went to Japan for 2 weeks with friends and had a really good time. I wish I was still in Japan. I miss the food and public transit. Also I miss not working lmao.

I spent a lot of time with family, which I enjoyed. I got to see my nephews around once a month. I love my nephews and sometimes just the thought of them is enough to keep me going.

Oh my younger sister got married to her now-wife! I’m super happy for them. Their wedding was a blast.

I talked to a former coworker who is living his dream and making video games, and he asked me what my passion is. When I told him it’s making art, he asked if I wanted to do it for a living. I said no, I don’t think I could do that. He offered to talk to some friends who are full-time artists and get advice from them but I declined. I love making art but I’m aware it’s not the best. I don’t have a consistent art style. I put my all into my creations but I know they’re not professional. I know I’m not a very talented artist. I’m aware. It doesn’t stop me from enjoying art. You can like something and be shit at it.

However that conversation inspired me to work on a story that I’ve had in my head since I was in college. Over a couple of weeks I put together a first draft of the story. It’s 84 pages long. It’s not super long and I had a hard time filling it out but it’s there. I’m waiting a couple of months to let it marinate and then fixing it up. I’ll probably have the story up by mid next year and I’ll post about it. I’m not super proud of it? but I am proud that I created a story finally.

Oh this is going to sound mild but it’s a huge accomplishment for me: I read a book! The whole dang thing! and I enjoyed it. It’s called Tomorrow, And Tomorrow, And Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. It’s about two college kids who make video games together. I had a routine of reading a chapter before bed. It was a really good book and I’ve missed reading. My local library did a summer reading program where if you read a certain number of books, you’d get coupons and vouchers for free ice cream and whatnot, so my parents made me read books. Honestly even if I didn’t get ice cream I would have read books, I really enjoyed it so it was a win-win for me. Ever since I got my diagnosis of bipolar disorder I’ve had issues with attention span and thought I couldn’t concentrate enough to read anymore. Turns out I can still read! I just got a book called When the Earth Had Two Moons by Erik Asphaug about the creation of the planets and I’m really excited to read it.

I saw a therapist for a short while but I felt like she and I were on different wavelengths. I guess I’m not very good about communicating what I want/need. In general I’ve felt like therapy hasn’t been very useful to me which has made me hesitant about seeing a new therapist. My psychiatrist keeps pushing me to see one though.

I’ve been trying online dating on and off for a few years. Typically what happens is I’ll start up my profiles and after several days of nothing, I’ll hit it off with someone and have really good conversation. Most of the time I’m able to convince them to talk outside the app but what happens then is eventually we’ll mutually ghost each other. What happened a few months ago is I met a guy who was really into me and basically wanted to date immediately, and I kept pushing to meet up in person first. After a few days he wanted to call me on my phone and wish me a good night and said he wanted to make it a habit, which weirded me out??? We watched a few movies together but ultimately I told him he was lovebombing me and I was uncomfortable. I told him I didn’t want to meet up in person anymore, at least for a while, because I needed space. I encouraged him to keep online dating and said I was okay with being friends. There were other things he said and did that made me uncomfortable but that’s the gist of it. I’m okay with waiting for the right guy instead of immediately hopping into a relationship just to not be single anymore. It still really sucks but I keep telling myself I’m not desperate.

Oh I’m slowly accumulating grey hair. I’m okay with it, I’d rather go grey than go bald I suppose.

Anyway. I guess this year was mostly good and some bad. I typed a lot more than I thought I would lol.

For 2024, I’m hoping to keep my current friendships strong and make new friends. Maybe turn some acquaintances into friendships. Just meet new people. Put out my story I’ve written. DM a D&D session. Keep creating. I might buy a house??? We’ll see. If I do you’re all invited *eyes emoji*

2022

This year started off alright, I got a new job in February and left my toxic old workplace. It’s been nice not being as stressed out. The downside is that I’m making a lot less money. My goal for 2023 is to get a better paying job that also isn’t too stressful.

I got my first tattoo in July and some more ear piercings in October! By the end of my tattoo session I was writhing in pain but I love my piece and I hope to get more tattoos at some point.

Mood-wise this year has been alright, I’ve had a lot of nights where I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason. I had a bad depressive spell in October and I’ve been trying to shake it off since then.

Art-wise I wish I had done more, I’ve barely drawn anything in months and it’s been difficult to create anything that I’m proud of when I’m not hypomanic. I’ve been trying not to do much with art unless I feel particularly inspired but I haven’t been feeling that way for a while.

I’ve been trying to distance myself from people who have been toxic to me and stay around people who have been positive influences. I’ve been working hard to get rid of my own toxic thoughts and patterns. I noticed that after I had my first manic episode, I’ve become a very angry, short-tempered person and I don’t like that. I have mess ups here and there, but I think I’ve become a more understanding person and feel like I’m slowly going back to the way I used to be. I get that I’ll never be 100% back to “normal” but I’m just happy that I don’t feel the need to lash out as much. I’ve said and done a lot of things that I ultimately regret and can’t take back but I’m learning. I hope to keep learning in 2023.

I really hope to make new friends and keep old friends close in the new year <3

2021

It’s only been 9 months instead of 12, and it’s December 17 instead of December 31 or January 1. I’m writing this now while I have some things fresh on my mind.

This year has been intense, a lot of anxiety but less than last year. I feel like I woke up and I’m finally lucid now. I went off of a medication that was causing horrible brain fog. I got a little bit of my confidence back and I don’t feel as trapped as I did before. I’ve been applying to new jobs and interviewing for a couple of months, which sucks, but I’m going to keep pushing forward. I think I’m finally on medication that keeps me stable without horrific side effects. I’ve had to work through a lot of memory loss, both long term and short term, from the ECT. It’s a little bizarre how much I’ve forgotten, I look at old tweets or posts and I feel like they were written by someone else entirely. I still feel a little fragmented, but at least I feel like I have a direction to go.

I’m always thinking about how I can be a better person. When I was stuck in a bad place, I feel like I adopted some really negative views and unnecessarily pushed away some people. Purity culture wrapped its tendrils around me and I lashed out at others. I noticed I fell into this pattern of a close friend being enraged at a specific person and they got me to feel the same way toward that person. It’s happened 3 times and I’m ready to defend myself from becoming like that again. There are people I’ve cut out of my life that I miss, and some part of me wants to reach out but I know that I’m at a point where I can’t and I just need to move on. There was one person I kinda ghosted who reached out to me recently, so we talked a bit and it’s been nice rekindling that friendship.

The goal for next year is pretty much to keep moving forward and keep bettering myself. Unfortunately I’ve found that sometimes you have to reach the bottom of the well before you can start going upward, but at least I’m past that point. I hope to meet new friends and get a new job next year.

EDIT: I spent 2020 Christmas and my 30th birthday in a hospital. I’m glad I spent this year’s Christmas at home and I’m looking forward to spending my 31st with family. Another goal I have to get healthier and maybe get my sleep on track. I also started spending more time looking at the moon and I didn’t realize how often it’s red or bright pink. I feel a quiet, at-peace kind of energy from it so here’s to more moons in 2022.

2020

I know it’s March but the end of 2020 was wild.

Warning for talk about suicide. Also a tiny bit about we’d.

The year started okay. I went to ANE in my first fursuit and had a really fun time. I want to go to more furry cons and make more fursuits because it was a blast.

I tried dating again. I ended up talking to a guy for a bit, and for a while we were talking everyday. It wound up not working out, which is fine. I kinda gave up on dating in general when my mental health tanked.

Covid-19 happened. I moved into my parents’ house because living alone in a small apartment and being completely isolated from everyone wasn’t healthy.

As the year went on, I slowly started breaking down. I’ve been on every medication for treating bipolar disorder except for 2 that are used off-label and those require blood tests. I had a bad mixed episode and attempted suicide. I felt like everything in my body was telling me to die. It was a pretty bad experience. I told my psychiatrist and he told me I needed to go to a hospital, so I did.

Hospitalization was different than I thought it would be. My roommate was a cis dude and my neighbors were cis men–every 2 rooms had a shared bathroom between them and the doors were swing-open doors. So if you’re peeing or w/e there are TWO doors that could possibly pop open and expose you. LUCKILY that didn’t happen to me and my roommate went to bed at the same time as me and in general was fine. For the most part, it was pretty boring. Every hour there was a “group” that you could sign up for but most of them were like coloring. I tried going to the DBT ones and spent most of my other free time reading books that my parents gave me. Also, there were a couple showers but you had to ask staff to use the showers. You also had to ask for towels and to charge your phone. My phone was basically dead and wouldn’t charge so I had to keep it turned off for most of the time. I think I met one other trans person? I don’t remember much from my first hospitalization. Oh, the doors were the worst part; they had this little thing that would make them make this LOUD click every time the doors opened or closed. The toilets were INSANELY loud too and everyone had a silent agreement not to flush at night if you just peed. There were checks every 15 minutes so at night, your door was opening and loudly closing every 15 minutes. Luckily my parents sent me earplugs so I could actually sleep at night.

I did as much as I could that would prove that I was determined to get better. I don’t remember them changing my meds much.

I don’t remember when it started but I started waking up early in the morning. At first, I was waking up at like 5 or 6 and able to fall back asleep. Eventually, I started waking up at 3 am and completely unable to fall back asleep no matter what time I went to bed. I felt anxious all the time. I tried taking sleep medication but it didn’t do anything. My psychiatrist told me to take up to 2 klonopin tablets–not even that was enough to knock me out. Ativan wasn’t helping either. I was put on Lunesta and that didn’t do shit. I was getting about 5 hours of sleep, which isn’t terrible but I need at least 6 or 7 to function. I had my support tell me that 5 hours wasn’t that bad, and that most people can function on 5 or less.

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest pretty much all day. My body was falling apart and no one knew what to do. No one knew how much it was freaking me out.

It got to the point where I was so sleep deprived and stressed out that I took a bunch of klonopin, ativan, and lunesta. I didn’t want to but I didn’t know what else to do. Later on I got asked by my parents and my psychiatrist if I was attempting suicide or if I was trying to sleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to be completely honest.

The cocktail made me sleep for like a day and a half or so. I completely lost a day; I think December 18? That day doesn’t exist to me.

I remember I had this dream about a really ornate staircase but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to climb it yet. Then I woke up in a hospital bed and I was in an ambulance to the psych ward again. I met two other trans men which was neat. I wasn’t roomed with either of them, which sucked. The hospital roomed you with whatever gender you were. I remember one of the trans dudes wasn’t on HRT and he was a singer. I made a joke about how all trans masc people sound the same and he told me that cis women are conditioned to speak higher than is normal for them, so when trans people go on testosterone, they try to speak higher because that’s what they’re used to. As a result, we all sound similar. Blew my mind. He was a pretty cool dude. The nurses were okay, but some of them kinda went on power trips. The food was actually not that bad.

After a few weeks, they sent me to a different hospital. SUPPOSEDLY one of the best in the country. It was extremely cozy and a lot more comfortable than the other one. Everyone had a room to themself and you didn’t have to ask to use a shower or bathroom. The only thing that sucked was the nurses had to check on you every 15 minutes. If you were in the shower, you had to say your name and if you were still in the shower 5 minutes later, you had to show your hands and face. I made sure to only take showers right after a check so I wouldn’t have to do that.

There were groups that you signed up but most of them were uninteresting. I spent a lot of time doing yoga and reading. Once you reach a certain clearance level, you’re allowed to go on walks. There were two 15 minute walks every day, and that was your only chance for going outside. The nurses were all really nice. I met a few other LGBTQ+ people. There was one person who had nurses follow her 24/7 and even had to accompany her into the bathroom. There was a woman who had been there for 7 months. Another person has been there for almost a year. A couple other people had been there for a few months. The food wasn’t as good as the other hospital but they had unlimited snacks in the kitchen. I had so many oreos.

I got my meds switched around and I was getting more sleep. I still felt really anxious though.

After a few weeks I was put on ECT. It was weird walking from the psych ward to the ECT clinic; there was a long underground tunnel connecting the two and there were a bunch of really weird art pieces and photographs that gave off weird vibes.

Anyway. I feel like I was a car breaking down and was basically dead and then ECT shocked me back to life. I think my meds started working as well as when I first started taking them; I no longer felt suicidal and I was able to get a good night’s sleep again. I feel a LOT better. I’m still getting ECT appointments every 2 weeks but hopefully it keeps working for a while.

This is dumb but I tried taking some edibles a week ago and I think they made me hypomanic -___- weed has never made me hypo before so that’s nice.

anyway, I’m still thinking about moving to Washington state and I want to travel more in general. There’s a lot I want to do. I can’t wait <3

2019

I made the mistake of rereading previous years’ summaries and they were all the same: I hope next year is better.

Spoiler: it actually got worse.

2019 was the worst year for me mentally since 2014. I went on a medication that tried to kill me twice, I did another partial hospitalization but this time it did not help me whatsoever, my shitty ex thought it would be a great idea to contact me while knowing I blocked him from every other site, I finally found some meds that keep me pretty stable but I can’t live with the side effects and my doctor seems to be running out of meds to prescribe me. Frustrating doesn’t even begin to cover it.

In terms of good things, I went to ANE and got to meet some lovely people and hang out with some old friends which was really nice. I finished my first fursuit and I can’t wait to wear him in February. I’ve met some really cool people this year and going to Seattle again to see Brian was the best. I’ve been drawing more and feeling more creative in general, which is the only thing really keeping me sane right now.

I still think about moving west and I keep telling myself I need to be stable first but I don’t think I’ll ever be stable. It’s been almost 5 years and I don’t know how much more I can take. It costs nothing to say “Hang in there” or “It gets better” but to actually live it is hell. I think 2020 will be worse and even more frustrating, given how the past years have been. I think a lot of bad things will happen but we’ll see if they push me over the edge.

2018

a lot of really great things happened but I don’t really remember ever being happy in 2018. I had to stop taking one of my medications because it made me depressed to the point where I probably should have been hospitalized. I cut contact with someone who was incredibly toxic for me. I had surgery that I’ve been dreaming of for the past 13 years and I did not feel happy afterwards; I don’t regret it but felt mostly indifferent. My anxiety got out of control and I went through multiple periods of dissociating and “waking up”. My friends were lovely this year. My family was kind of a mixed bag. I got a new therapist and I’m getting a new psychiatrist in February. Work has been awful but I have a coworker who is helping me dig my way out.

Overall, this year has been disappointing and I hope to forget about it. I’m hoping to focus on mending my mental health and finally reach some sort of stability in 2019. I have to teach myself how to be happy again and it’s not going to be easy, but so far everyone in my life has been patient and I’m extremely grateful for that.

2017

2017 was an extremely tough year for me. A new mental illness popped up in mid 2016 and I didn’t get Doctor Diagnosed™ until this year. The past 8 months have been filled with trying new medications, getting hospitalized for a month, and struggling with who I am and who I want to be. I don’t feel like I’ve found the right combination of meds and I feel like it would be a lofty goal for 2018.

The funny thing about mental illnesses is that sometimes you feel like you’re better off not getting treated. I don’t know, I’m dealing with a sort of loss because of my medications. I feel like they took away something that made me a better, funnier, smarter person. It’s been difficult to deal with.

I’ve also been thinking more about why I am the way I am, and I’ve been talking to a lot of people with something that I think I have. I think getting diagnosed would help explain a lot, but I’m going to have to jump through a billion hoops to get that diagnosis, which sucks.

I also dealt with a family member passing away and a family member being born. Life works out strange sometimes.

As for positives, I got my name changed and came out at work. I’ll finally get surgery in 2018 as well.

And finally, my goals for 2018… I’d really like to live somewhere that actually feels like home and have a group of friends that feel like family. I spent a lot of time in isolation for various reasons so I would really like to start making new friends again. I’d also really like to move somewhere else and after I recover from surgery, I’m going to start looking.

I guess that’s really it. 2017 overall wasn’t a happy year for me and I hope to make 2018 better.